Every morning it is the same old routine. Prepare that last minute cup of Joe to go. Thank heaven for Keurig. Laptop bag, check. Lunch bag, check. Purse, check. Give Milly cat treats, check. (this prevents her from running through my legs, tripping me as she seeks freedom in the great outdoors.) Then on to climbing over bins and boxes of Garage Sale items, hit the garage door opener at least twice, wait patiently while tapping my foot for what seems an eternity as the chain chugs along the track to slowly lift the overhead door to reveal my driveway and thankfully
the escape vehicle my car. Man! All I want to do is get out of the house. Getting out is like a battlefield. Yea, I know this is not exciting stuff, huh? However, it is the daily stuff that rules my life and probably yours. So goes my life for the past few months. Boring, Benign and Bland. Until! Until, I had my Light Bulb Moment! Light Bulb, I tell you!
That particular morning I am taping my foot, waiting for the garage door to rise, which takes forever, anticipating the ever present Glow of the Gigantic Golden Orb directly in front of me. I smile as I am about to greet the new day. Man! That is bright. It’s like looking into the sun. Oh wait. I am! I’m blind! I stumble my way down the drive, seeking my faithful set of wheels to whisk me away! As with Milly, this is my moment of freedom. Grabbing my shades and carefully tucking the cup of coffee into the holder, not a drop will be wasted here. Wait a minute. Hmm!! Would Keurig pay $2 million for a spilled cup of Joe? Nah! The engine roars to life as I turn the key and rev the engine again. Ahh! Feel the power! All that horsepower begins to settles down to constant purr. Well, maybe not really purring, unless your cat has a horrific case of hairballs. Honestly, it’s more like a cross between a Briggs & Stratton lawn mower and a 1975 Kawasaki dirt bike. Anyway! After a few of those migraine inducing Golden Orb mornings, I learned to put on my sunglasses Before opening the garage door. Duh!
I Know, you are probably thinking…perhaps another door would end my daily bought of blindness? Well, you see the only other door I have is the north facing service door. Yes, this would be much less sight debilitating than the overhead door. Therein lies the crux. The service door is adjacent to my neighbors yard. Exiting in this manner would consist of a step down that is quite low, much lower than the threshold and for some reason I always stumble and appear on the verge of self induced bodily harm. The other being, I often run smack into my neighbor. He is not a bad sort, just not always sober. Or happy. Or, normal? He has this sappy look on his face. No, not Freddy from Elm Street freaky looking, odd. And, why is he always digging and moving things around in his yard? Thankfully, I do not recall any missing persons in my area of late. I know what you are thinking. My house in this neighborhood are the envy of all you readers right about now! I know! I know!
My Light Bulb moment! The moment came one morning as I was standing in front of the overhead, listening to the chugging links in the chain. The door was going up and I had this vision come over me of a stage as the curtain rises and music begins to play. There I am standing in front of a packed audience, smiling faces looking back at me. Wow! In real life it was probably my resident bunny and a couple Sparrows. You get the picture. As the brightness of early morning revealed itself, I threw wide my arms and began to sing:
” You’ll….. be…… swell! You’ll be great! Gonna have the whole world on the plate! Starting here, starting now, honey, everything’s coming up roses! ……. Everything’s coming up roses for me and for you! “
What the hell was that? Show tunes? Broadway? Where did that come from? Hearing my voice out-loud is quite disturbing even to me, as I could not carry a tune. Tone Deaf? I quickly looked around, eyes darting to and fro to see if any lives had been lost. Human and animal carnage could be at an all time high! Sorry world. Still in shock, a lyrical sort of daze, I ran to my car, fired up my gas hog on 4 wheels and set out for the day. A bit bewildered as to the cause of this bizarre Ethel Merman moment. Smack! Oh no! “I’ve gone round the bend” haven’t I?
Having survived my first attempt at Broadway, the following week I tried out the perpetual favorite….. “The sun will come out tomorrow. So ya gotta hang on ’til tomorrow Come what may Tomorrow Tomorrow I love ya Tomorrow is just a day away” My apologies to Annie! Then I promptly destroyed a few Rock Songs. Bon Jovi would not be pleased!
What song should I choose next? Oh, and do you think Red or Deep Blue curtains for each side of the garage door? Lighting. I totally forgot the lighting. How many? What should I do?
It was not until much later I realized why this momentary madness overcame me. First: Yes, it was definitely a light bulb moment in conjunction with my smarty pants sense of humor. My warped sense of humor coming from being the last born of 10 children. That in and of itself pretty much explains everything you need to know about me. (There is a story for another time) Years ago, I embraced my humor and sarcasm for what it was. Second: Finding humor in almost everything can and does create sticky situations at times. Thus, unconsciously I make Lemonade out of that daily fat ass bag of Lemons. Tammy Faye Baker would be proud. Now, if that were true of money. Boy, I could make millions out of a dollar?! I need to work on that!
Sneak Pick at My next Performance………